Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
