I wanna bring you to show and tell
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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