Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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