I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
