apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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