Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
