So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
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