Porn is love you can see.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
