I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
