I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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