Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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