In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
