So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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