Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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