OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
