I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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