Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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