Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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