just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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