I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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