I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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