I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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