Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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