I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
