fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
