You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
