forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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