i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize