Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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