remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
