My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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