the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize