You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
