I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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