You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Drunk walkin through police station. America
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
