My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
