its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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