all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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