she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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