Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
