This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
