i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
