I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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