oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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