Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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