As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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