Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I touched a dick in church today
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
