jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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