EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
