Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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