we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
