I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
