Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
