need another drink. this is the easiest way
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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