I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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