I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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