i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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