You smell like stripper and shame
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
