The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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