Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
