if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
