I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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