I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize