She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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